Weekend Report – It’s a Long Story

I went to a conference this last weekend. I belong to a related local organization and a number of our officers and members also attended. Basically, this was an educational field trip combined with social opportunities to meet well known names in the field. Hobbyists, conservationists, commercial producers, vendors of various products and scientific researchers/medical professionals were all in attendance.

I had a good time and learned a lot. I didn’t get much sleep though, because I shared a hotel room with three other people. Some folks from my organization had a very good time… I’d venture, even too much of a good time. Aside from the reason we were there, most topics of conversation centered around sex and bodily functions. Much of what was said fell under the category of too much information, and I found myself alternately amused, embarassed or downright horrified as I learned more about some of the members of my organization than I ever expected to know…

In the car on the way to the venue, UnemployedDentalHygenist described in detail how she taught her husband to perform oral sex on her. UDH’s husband, TheLaw, was driving and didn’t seem the least perturbed with her public revelations. She also queried me about my relationship with Mel, innocuous stuff at first. Then later, once she’d had a few drinks, asked “Don’t you miss cock?” upon learning that I’d dated men in the past. I nearly fell off my chair.

ClubPrez is in her late forties, blonde and her naivete is fairly well known. She’s even calls herself a ditzy blonde. Her husband has a job that keeps him away for two months at a time. CP must not, ummm, take matters into her own hands while hubby is gone because I learned that Nurse instructed CP on the location and function of her clitoris. Although I didn’t witness this conversation first hand, rumor has it that CP is pretty excited about having learned this information and intended to take those instructions to hand when she arrived home.

Nurse is 29 and has been married a year but is a huge flirt. She partied hard this weekend. I learned that she and UDH hang together since they met at one of our meetings. Nurse calls herself “wife #2” to TheLaw. There were several times during the weekend she got raunchy with TheLaw and even UDH joined the act. TheLaw is a good natured guy who doesn’t drink. He didn’t seem phased in the least, but he did turn pink a few times. It got to the point that I felt sorry for him.

LooseLibrarian is also in her late forties and has the body of a teenager. Good for her, right? Except, that she dresses like a teenager with low cut tanks and high cut shorts. She also calls herself a ditzy blonde, and she and ClubPrez have had a few adventures together that solidify that reputation for both of them. This weekend, when someone commented on her revealing outfit, LL somewhat proudly admitted to dressing on the sleazy side but said she never accepts the advances she gets because she doesn’t want to deal with the BS. “I really have cobwebs, in fact I think it’s grown over” she said, referring to the space between her legs.

LL has a teenage daughter, BigGirl, who is 18. BG is, well, a big girl. BG is a nice kid and fairly shy but takes after her mother in the clothing department. All of her clothes are incredibly tight. Her bras, which must latch in the front, are those low-cut, push-up type numbers that barely cover the nipples. I only know this because she wears see-through shirts. Add to that clunky shoes and a tight, fringed, denim mini-skirt so short that you can see the acne on the back of her thighs and you’ve got the complete picture. I gotta think it’s the mother’s influence and feel sorry for this kid. LL also made no secret of the fact that BG spent an afternoon sleeping, in part due to cramps. Later, when some of us went to the store, UDH commented that BG’s jeans smelled after sitting next to her in the car. I didn’t tell her why.

At the banquet dinner we had on Saturday night, Nurse felt compelled to tell our entire table the saga of her 12 year old nephew who is not potty trained. This was a 20+ minute conversation in full detail. Not the most pleasant topic for dinner conversation; I was somewhat disgusted by it. There were some members – ClubPrez, UDH, TheLaw – at the table but our other dinner companions were a vendor who none of us really knew, and one of the speakers, TheArtist, and his wife, Nurse#2. TheArtist and Nurse#2 are friends with ClubPrez, and I’d met them once before but Nurse and the others hadn’t met them before the weekend. By this time though, Nurse had already been flirting heavily with TheArtist, too. Good thing Nurse#2 didn’t seem to mind.

Nurse#2 then told a tale about TheArtist tricking her into thinking he had a lump on his genitals. At first she didn’t believe him but he’d gone on and on so seriously that she finally decided, in nurse-like fashion, to see for herself and kneeled down to examine him. Of course, after a few moments of fruitless searching she learned that he’d been joking and it was just a ruse to get her to touch him. She was mad as hell… he’d really put himself in a dangerous situation!

After dinner there was a fundraising auction. DonJuan, a manufacturer’s sales rep from the vendor hall, was the auctioneer. I have never attended such an auction in my life. The swearing, innuendo and carrying-on that took place non-stop for the next three hours would have made anyone’s head spin. Sure, the guy was hilarious but as I looked around the room, I couldn’t help wondering if his hijinks were offensive to some of the (older) attendees. Never mind the distinguished speakers.

After the auction, we piled 18 people into a standard double room for drinks. This room belonged to Farmer, also a speaker, who is friends with ClubPrez and LooseLibrarian. Farmer was sharing his free (because he was a speaker) room with four women: CP, LL, BG and the German. I was suprised that Farmer’s wife didn’t object to those arrangements. It’s pretty obvious that LL has the hots for Farmer. Also, she and CP had bought him a pair of boxers with ducks on them because they didn’t want to see him run around the room in his tighty-whities. Farmer modeled the boxers for us.

Later, some folks ended up in the bar. I heard that BigGirl and Nurse ended up in DonJuan’s room after going to the bar. BG had been Nurse’s sidekick all weekend, the two of them had gotten blasted every night. Nurse was supposed to be sharing a bed with me but never ended up sleeping in our room for more than a few hours due to passing out in the other rooms she was partying in. Nurse had been flirting with DonJuan too. The story goes that BG passed out in one of the beds and DonJuan convinced Nurse to join him in the other. Supposedly, he was naked between the sheets but she didn’t know it when she got in bed with him. Seems pretty implausible, doesn’t it? How would you not know someone was naked? Nurse was very low key and looking pretty guilty on Sunday afternoon. The full story has not yet been revealed.

Even the speakers we didn’t know were a bit off the wall. One of them – a well-known, distinguished researcher – pretty much dumped on me during a ‘meet and greet’ happy hour. Due to budgetary factors after Sept 11th she’d lost her post at end of 2001. She told me how unhappy and distressed she was about the whole situation and how it was handled. I was completely suprised by the level of detail she provided and it wasn’t hard for me to tell she’s pretty bitter about it. I was so taken aback by her revelations that I could barely respond with “I’m so sorry that happened, I hope everything works out for you.” I had wanted to ask her about her work but didn’t feel that I could after that. Though she did apologize to me and thanked me for listening to her. I later heard her telling her story to another group of people.

Between all the activity and the revolving door on the hotel room I was staying in, I was damned tired when I got home Sunday night. It was a great time. I’m not a prude by any means but I am a little concerned about what people think of our organization after this weekend. Hopefully, it’s nothing more than “Damn, those people like to party.”

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