Pursuant to Sub-Section 8, Paragraph C of Executive Branch Classified Directive #13334-P, dated 1 May 2004, the Armed Forces of the United States stand directed by President George W. Bush to accelerate preparations for compulsory induction of the adult non-homosexual population into active combat duty in the War Against Terror.
Henceforth, and in accordance with established Federal conscriptional provisions, all male and female citizens aged 16-45 must register for the impending draft. Each registrant’s personal information will undergo rigorous computer analysis to compile a profile of overall physical, mental, and moral fitness prior to the issuing of orders to report for basic training.
Review the application carefully before completing it. If you’re not gay, you may wish to click on the “Conscientious Objector” link.